this (Pokémon, rated PG)

Taking an official change of pace from my usual serious, creepy, and violent fanfics to bring you this. "this" is the first of a series of disconnected, random one-shot stories I'll write sporadically. May feature familiar faces.

To keep the random feel of the series, I'm leaving out most formal character introductions in favor of jumping straight into each situation. So, the main characters will go up here instead.

Main Characters - Some or all of these characters will have parts in every episode.
Unabara - Vaporeon
Shuurai - Jolteon
Kogasu - Flareon
Kokoro - Espeon
Kage - Umbreon
Shinrin - Leafeon
Yuki - Glaceon

Recurring Extras
Howl - Houndoom
Jules - Sneasel
Heath - Grovyle
Knives - Sandslash

(I'll put in descriptions for each character later on.)

//----------
// Episode 0 = Action
//----------

The night was growing darker as a crescent moon disappeared behind a think cloud. Booms of thunder echoed through the marsh as a curtain of rain swept across the land. Most pokemon took shelter from the rain, but six rushed headlong to a dark stone tower above the Solaceon Ruins, undaunted by the weather or the darkness. A Honchkrow perched herself on a tall tree, watching them and chuckling to herself. They had taken the bait.

Inside the tower, their friend Shuurai was being held prisoner. He was shackled to the floor on short chains on the top floor of the tower, and his guard, Howl, watched out the window at the other pokemon rushing in.

"You can't keep me here!" Shuurai scowled. "My friends are on their way right now!"

"That's right" Howl chuckled. "They'll be here soon, and then..."

"And then we'll kick your butt!!"

Howl threw a punch across Shuurai's face. "Shut it!" he barked. "This little gang of yours has been messing with us for long enough. We're putting an end to you..."

In the distance, a shadowed figure glided through the rain. Howl stepped back from the window as the Honchkrow sailed in, beating her wings several extra times to throw the water out of her feathers.

"Albatross." Howl greeted. "They're coming?"

"Like sheep to the slaughter," she replied, with a light song in her voice. "They'll be inside soon, and then... hm-hm-hm..."

Shuurai bared his teeth. "You won't stop us." he growled. "You're gonna pay!"

Howl spat an ember at Shuurai's feet. "Give it a rest, kid."

The rain grew lighter as the approaching group neared the edge of the marsh. The ruins were just ahead. Unabara, Kogasu, Kokoro, Kage, Shinrin, and Yuki stopped to observe the tower, unwittingly now in sight of the Thieves' ambush. Kage looked up, seeing Albatross perched at the window of the very top floor.

"The Thieves' tower." a voice inside him trembled. He knew this place, and he knew he did not ever want to return here. He even knew that Shuurai's capture was bait to lure him and the rest of his friends to the tower. But this was no time to be afraid and no time to hesitate. It was time to rescue his friend and put an end to the Thieves once and for all.

"All right." he said, turning to his friends. "Stay close together. They're probably going to--"

Before he could finish, a scattered group of Scyther at the edge of the marsh slashed several tree trunks, toppling the trees into the group's midst. Kage knew the Thieves would do something like this to separate his party, but now it was too late to stop them; it was difficult to tell where the others were going in the thick darkness, and the trees fell from so many directions at once that they were bound to be driven apart. As they crashed to the ground, Kage and the rest of his group were separated, and the Thieves began to appear.

"Look at this!" laughed a voice from the ruins. "You must be the one Albatross told us about... Kage, right?"

Kage braced his stance as the voice grew closer. It was a Sneasel, with the gem on its head cut and rounded into a shape like a crescent moon lying on its side. It was the emblem of the Thieves.

"Kage... Kage..." he echoed under his laughter. "I... heh... I figured you'd be... taller!"

"Oh shut up..." Kage muttered. "Out of my way! You don't scare me!"

"Well aren't you the brave one!" the Sneasel laughed again. "After Albatross had you frozen with fear? Pretty cold of you to say I'm not scary too! Don't lie! I'm chilling you with terror!"

"I'm not scared of you Thieves anymore!" Kage yelled. "I want my friend back! You'd better get out of my way now! I'm warning you!"

The Sneasel burst out laughing. "Fool!" he bellowed, "You'll be... you'll... kkkhh... you--GAAAAHAAAHAAHAHAHAHA!!"

Kage facepalmed. "Jules..."

"You-you... you should see how you look all serious like that!" he fell back and laughed uncontrollably.

"Jules."

"You're all 'I'm warning you!!'"

A megaphone flew through the air and struck Jules on the side of his head. He kept laughing.

"Cut!" yelled a voice. "Cut! CUT! Somebody get me another megaphone... CUUUUT!!"

"Why do you have to do this every single shoot?" Kage sighed. "This shouldn't take but one night!"

Jules finally stood back up and caught his breath. "It's your face!" he chuckled again.

"My face."

"You're so serious!" Jules laughed. "You should see how you look! 'I'm warning you!' It's hila--"

Another megaphone hit him in the head.

"It's hilarious!" mocked Knives, as he leaped from his chair. Around his arm was an orange armband with "Ultra Director" embroidered in it. Heath tossed him another megaphone as he approached the set.

"JULES!!" Knives yelled into the megaphone. "YOU! ARE. WASTING! OUR. FILM! QUIT! THE. LAUGHING!"

Jules covered his ears. "Damn, no need to yell..."

Kokoro climbed over one of the tree trunks to see the commotion. "...I knew it." she sighed. "Jules blew it again..."

"Hey, don't act like I mess up every shot!" Jules snapped. "You're miss 'I don't wanna get my scarf dirty!'"

"That only happened once!"

"Heath!" Knives called. "...Jules, off the set. Now."

"W-wha...?"

The Grovyle strode up to Knives' side from behind the camera, chewing a chocolate-covered twig. "Yeah?"

"You're taking over for the Joker here." Knives replied. "Jules, you're on camera duty now."

"Hey! You can't just throw me out like that!"

Knives slammed his megaphone into Jules' head again, and Kokoro dragged him out of the scene.

"Heath, you know the lines here?" Knives asked.

"More or less," Heath replied, taking the last bite of his twig. "Nothing Jules wouldn't say, right?"

"Good enough." Knives said as he returned to his chair. "Wait, put this on first. Fit? Good. Alright, places! Camera! Somebody wake up Jules..."

Unabara dumped a bucket of water on Jules.

"W-whu...?"

"Jules, you and Heath are switching jobs." Kokoro explained. "You're manning the camera now, okay? Don't mess this up too."

Kokoro and the others were now out of the scene, except Kogasu. He was still in this scene, and took his place behind one of the tree trunks.

"Is he up yet? Whatever. Action!"

Jules frowned, but reluctantly turned the camera on.

"Look at this!" laughed a voice from the ruins. "You must be the one Albatross told us about... Kage, right?"

Kage braced his stance as the voice grew closer. It was a Grovyle, with a black band around its collar. On one side of the band was a silver crescent moon turned on its side. It was the emblem of the Thieves.

"Kage... Kage..." he echoed under his laughter. "I... heh... I figured you'd be... taller."

"Oh shut up..." Kage muttered. "Out of my way! You don't scare me!"

"Well aren't you the brave one!" the Grovyle laughed again. "After Albatross--er... c-cut..."

"Cut!" Knives called. "What!?"

"Uhm... it's the 'cold' jokes." Heath scratched his cheek nervously. "They don't work with me in it..."

"They sucked anyway..." Yuki muttered.

"I heard that!"

"Just improvise," Knives replied. "They don't really have to be jokes, either..."

"Do grass jokes nano da!" Shinrin laughed.

"You're a joke in yourself." Kokoro said, shoving Shinrin's face into the ground. "And quit saying nano da!"

"All right, quiet back there!" Knives called. "Heath, you got new lines thought up?"

"I--"

"Good. Places again! Camera! Jules, quit slacking off! The longer this takes, the longer we all have to stay out in the rain... Action!"

"Look at this!" laughed a voice from the ruins. "You must be the one Albatross told us about... Kage, right?"

Kage braced his stance as the voice grew closer. It was a Grovyle, with a black band around its collar. On one side of the band was a silver crescent moon turned on its side. It was the emblem of the Thieves.

"Kage... Kage..." he echoed under his laughter. "I... heh... I figured you'd be... taller."

"Oh shut up..." Kage muttered. "Out of my way! You don't scare me!"

"Well aren't you the brave one!" the Grovyle laughed again. "You wouldn't be so brave if your ******s weren't here, would you? Well you won't be getting any **** from them! You're **** alone! So save yourself the **** and surrender ***!"

"I'm NOT weak!" Kage ******. "And I'm *** scared! I'll **** you **** with my ***--**AT THE **********CK!!"

"CUT!!" Knives yelled. "What is it now!?"

"Jules!"

"Don't look at me!"

Knives threw his megaphone at Jules. "Who ELSE would be messing with the censor!?"

"You don't censor with a camera..." Jules replied, rubbing his head.

"Well ****body's got the ****** thing to--SHINRIN!"

"This button makes a funny noise nano da!"

Knives threw another megaphone at Shinrin.

"HeEeY tHaT hUrT nAnO dA.>."

Unabara picked up the megaphone and yelled in Shinrin's face. "KNOCK IT OFF NANO DUMB!!"

"NaNo>.>"

"All right... let's finish this up!" Knives called. "Places... again! Camera... again... Action!"

"Look at this!" laughed a voice from the ruins. "You must be the one Albatross told us about... Kage, right?"

Kage braced his stance as the voice grew closer. It was a Grovyle, with a black band around its collar. On one side of the band was a silver crescent moon turned on its side. It was the emblem of the Thieves.

"Kage... Kage..." he echoed under his laughter. "I... heh... I figured you'd be... taller."

"Oh shut up..." Kage muttered. "Out of my way! You don't scare me!"

"Well aren't you the brave one!" the Grovyle laughed again. "You wouldn't be so brave if your friends weren't here, would you? Well you won't be getting any help from them! You're weak alone! So save yourself the pain and surrender now!"

"I'm NOT weak!" Kage barked. "And I'm NOT scared! I'll take you down with my own hands!"

The Grovyle was undaunted. "We'll see about that nano da..." he chuckled, and brushed the leaves on his wrists as he took his fighting stance.

"...Cut." Knives interrupted again. This time he didn't use his megaphone.

"Cut...?"

"...Heath, what the hell was that? Nano da?"

Heath blushed. "Nano... I-I actually said that...?"

"Yeah. You did."

Jules fell over laughing again. "And you say I was bad!"

"Shut it!" Heath snapped. "I'm not the one who kills over laughing at the tip of a hat!"

"Hey, the guy's hair was a mess!"

Heath facepalmed.

"Will both of you shut up!?" Knives yelled. "We're gonna do this one more time! And we're gonna do it right! Everyone got that!?"

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"We can try."

"Whatever."

"Nano."

"Let's go already."

"I'm sleepy."

"Nano."

"All right, places AGAIN! Camera! Jules, get up! Action!"

"I'm NOT weak!" Kage barked. "And I'm NOT scared! I'll take you down with my own hands!"

The Grovyle was undaunted. "We'll see about that..." he chuckled, and brushed the leaves on his wrists as he took his fighting stance. "Get ready... to die!"

The Grovyle dashed forward and swept his sharp leaves out at Kage in a single, lightning-fast motion. Kage, with barely any time to react, clumsily tumbled out of the way. Even if he wasn't afraid, could he really fight such a skilled enemy?

Grovyle stomped on Kage's chest as he struggled to get back up. "I told you it's useless." he chuckled and raised his arm. "Now... CUT!"

Knives threw his megaphone at Heath. "What the heck was that for!?" he yelled. "You were doing perfect!!"

Heath staggered to his feet and rubbed his head. "I didn't mean stop rolling... Cut was just the move I was about to use!"

Jules fell over laughing again. "Why didn't you say 'Leaf Blade' then?"

Heath picked up the megaphone and threw it at Jules.

"Hey, what's going on?" Kogasu asked as he climbed over the tree trunk. "I thought that was my cue!"

"Um... take five?" Knives scratched his head. "Who's been counting how many of these we've done...?"

"Supposed to be you." Jules laughed again.

Knives facepalmed again. He reached behind his chair and picked up a large crossbow-like launcher, cocked it back, and loaded a megaphone into it.

"This is gonna be a long month," he sighed.