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 It's not murder, is it? ((Pg-13))

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PostSubject: It's not murder, is it? ((Pg-13))   Sun Oct 12, 2008 8:43 pm

Prologue

He licked my ear. "Stop, this is wrong" Maiio said. "No, it's not." He whispered. "YES IT IS!" Maiio screamed. Maiio was trying too push him off of me. Maiio kicked him. He fell onto the cold floor. She ran that moment. She was naked, but running out the door. He grabbed a knife. She ran faster. He grabbed her. He stabbed Maiio in the back. She fell in pain. Blood, blood was on the floor, the red covered her back and the floor. She grabbed the knife, and stabbed him in the hear. She twisted it, so he could not live.
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PostSubject: Re: It's not murder, is it? ((Pg-13))   Wed Oct 15, 2008 7:51 pm

Chapter One.
Consulted
Seattle, Washington
12:45 Am
October 5th

A young lady entered my office. Her blue eyes shown as bright as the florescent lights above. She sat down in the chair across from my desk. "So you are Maiio?" I asked the young lady. She looked about 25. "Yes..." She muttered. "You've been postered all over the news, I know why you are here, now let me ask you, what happened." I asked. "He...he was trying too...umm...r...rape me...and...than stabbed my back...I killed him in self defense." She said. I nodded. "And the family are the ones who are taking you too court?" I asked. I was unknown as a lawyer. "With the evidence, it will be hard too prove that you were raped." I said, "But not that you killed in self defense." I finished. A man rushed into my office. The man, Mark, was a friend who I was very fond of. "We have some news in the case of The State of Washington Dc versus Anderson." He said. He too was a lawyer. "I'm with someone, Mark." I said. His dark hair, damp with sweat.

He left the room, with nothing more too say. "Now, I do think we should try pleading insanity, but for that, we would need proof that he raped you." I continued. "But I'm sane." She said. "If you were stabbed and being raped, you were not sane." I said, I was, after all, the one defending her. My phone rang. I picked it up. "I'm with someone." I said. "Sorry, Kemoto, but we have some developments in the Alaska versus Maiio," The voice said. "Hang on, I have Miss. Maiio in my office right now." I said, putting the mic on. "Maiio, this is the detective on your case, she'll tell us about what we need too know." I said. "Start talking." I said into the mic. "

"Yes Sir, we have found out that in spite of her murdering him, he may have had a violent spree, his record says that he has been convicted of rape, get this, 5 times." The voice said. My stomach lurched at this thought. I could here in the very tone of his voice, that he was sorry for this young lady who under no circumstances that put her at fault, was being tried for murder.

(I know it was a short chapter, but meh, I think this is a good ending point for chapter one)
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PostSubject: Re: It's not murder, is it? ((Pg-13))   Mon Dec 15, 2008 8:12 pm

Well, I can tell you typed this up pretty late at night, considering your writing style is of standard and those little typos that you have here and there would have been spotted if you weren't so sleepy. ;P

Personally I like it, though some areas are a little rushed. Take the scene were the lady claimed that she had been raped. In real life you would expect her to be quite hesitant in saying so. See, space out the structure a bit. Make her cry, or try giving/asking her a proposal of some sort.

Also, begin a new line whenever someone new speaks. This doesn't apply all the time, but it avoids confusion of readers. I remember there was one section were I had to reread the whole paragraph just to realise who was speaking.

Other than that, well written, I say. Try to fix up the typos as well.

Looking forward to seeing your next chapter, Keep Smiling,

a_a

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